All the Leaves are Brown

Let's face it: It is human nature to judge. I know of no one that hasn't had their judgmental moments. It's a completely natural/emotional/visceral response. What is the remedy? For myself, it's hard learned lessons to take steps back, which, admittedly, does not always happen as frequently as I wish. But I will tell you that it usually works out better than jumping to conclusions and judgment. Now that you have read my hedge, I want to talk about MacKenzie Philips.
Here's MacKenzie's situation: She was born into the limelight of Hollywood to one of the more famous families of the time. Her mother and father were both in the Mamas and the Papas. That alone sets up a fucked up life that I don't think many people could possibly relate to. Then, you've got your dad, John Philips, preacher of free love, peace, drugs and rock and roll. Yeah man. Cool. Right? She started using LSD and Marijuana at 12 not because she was a 'bad girl,' but because it was the norm for her. She had big name rock stars around her all the time. These are not easy issues to talk about. But here's something else: She says she was aggressively seduced by Mick Jagger, visiting in the Phillips home, who told her, "I've been waiting to do this since you were ten years old."
And then a few months ago, we find out that JOHN had an incestuous relationship with MacKenzie. The details, to me, are relatively unimportant. Lately the media has jumped on the word CONSENSUAL because, at a certain point, MacKenzie said that their relationship had turned into this. I read many posts where people where so highly critical of MacKenzie. How could she do that? They are both disgusting, etc., etc. ARE YOU SERIOUS? SHE WAS A CHILD. A child who grew up in a reality that most of us cannot and should not ever fathom. And now there are people who can point fingers and tell her how disgusting she is? Nice. I don't care if she was in love with her father. I don't care if she initiated it from the get go. And now she's retracted her, "It was consensual" statement after coming into the line of fire. And her drug use? Who wouldn't want to numb themselves silly after a life like that. Please people, show some compassion and fight against something that deserves a fight and while you're at it, take a few steps back.

Body Image 2: Weighing in on Weight

The recent death of Brittany Murphy has caused everyone to (finally) take a good hard look at whether or not an eating disorder could have played a part in her apparent cardiac arrest. I have so many thoughts and questions about this subject, some of which will not and cannot be answered. I have discussed some of these thoughts in an earlier post but feel they need more depth and obviously, I need to repeat them. I'm using this particularly opportunity to discuss women's body and weight issues with no disrespect to Murphy. Instead, I find it important for women to think about the following:
On a very general level, when people die, there is a natural response to say or think what could have been done to prevent it. It is usually at this point where one thinks of so many things. I can't and won't speculate whether or not Murphy had an eating disorder. It's not anyone's business except of course for Murphy and her loved ones. There are so many reasons why one loses weight. And I don't even think that it is necessarily (entirely) society's fault. Some people use their weight and eating as a means of control and it doesn't have everything to do with body image. That being said, many women who have eating issues are entirely consumed with thin (what does this even mean?) equals beauty. Combine this with body dysmorphic disorder and you have a catastrophe waiting to happen. Indeed, it often isn't about the body at all. It's about what's inside it. Previously when talking about plastic surgery, I had posed the question of when are we good enough? No matter how thin one gets, it usually isn't ever good enough.
We all have our body image issues, as small as wishing we had brown hair when we have blonde, wishing for blue eyes, etc. etc. Although I find this sad, because it indicates an inability to never be fully satisfied with one's appearance, I don't think it's against the grain. But still, we should look at these issues. Why, as women, aren't we satisfied with ourselves? Way too often do I have conversations with women who are gorgeous and don't know it; women who habitually practice self-deprecation in terms of how they think and what they say. "You look fantastic," I exclaim. "What? Nooooo." and the list will begin on why they are not beautiful: My butt, my hips, my thighs, my hair, my skin, my complexion, etc. etc. I am not innocent of these thoughts and comments, by the way, but I am struck by how vociferous women are in terms of denouncing themselves. And it just plain sucks, to be honest. What is of utmost importance here has nothing to do with how big, small, sagging, different sizes one's breasts are. It has nothing to do with if your hair is curly or straight or if you weigh 120 or 250. It has to do with happiness. And we need to ask ourselves this? Are we happy? Is what I am doing making me happy? Because I'll tell you something, there is nothing more beautiful than that.

10 Year Old Takes a Stand

I was thrilled this morning to find out that a ten year old boy from Arkansas made news by refusing to stand up and say The Pledge of Allegiance. His reasoning? There is not "Liberty and Justice For All." His reasoning is primarily based on the fact that gays and lesbians do not have equal rights. He also adds that there is still much racism and sexism in the world. This kid is amazing and brave. Watch it here.
I remember refusing to say the pledge as a kid. I think it was because of the God rhetoric and I didn't feel it was inclusive or applicable to my beliefs. Of course, I didn't articulate it enough by only saying, "I don't believe in it," still my homeroom teachers were fairly outraged and tried repeatedly to make me stand citing it as disrespectful.
There is hope for a more equitable world. When we feel hopeless, we need to remember, there are people out there, there are children out there who are hell bent at standing up for what is right and for what is just. For those of us who choose to have children, teach them love and educate them. Hate does not spring forth from itself. It must be taught. Love must also be taught.

Body Image: When are we Good Enough?

Women are constantly looking at themselves and thinking about what is wrong with them. What would they change if they only could... Make my ass smaller, my nose, my hips, blah, blah, blah. I'm not trying to minimize this feeling, but I wonder, who is good enough? What woman is beautiful ENOUGH? I see all of these beautiful women who self-deprecate themselves constantly and it is heartbreaking. And these women are looking at other women (who also feel like shit about themselves) and are thinking these same women are beautiful. And then there's the women in Hollywood, who society is telling us are gorgeous, who don't think they are gorgeous enough and get all this plastic surgery that makes them... well, not really very pretty anymore. So where do we stop?
I'm thinking about this because I just read a disturbing article called "New Warning on Perfect Vaginas." Recently, there has begun to be a surge in women wanting the most beautiful vagina so they are undergoing a procedure called Labiaplasty. Essentially, this is Female Circumcision with the desire to obtain a designer vagina. Now look: I can understand if there is some physical reason why a woman may need to remove tissue in her vagina. These issues happen. This is not what I am referring to. I am referring to women who believe the tissue of their vagina is too dark, or that their vaginal lips are "misshaped," "uneven," etc. Who defines beauty of the vagina? Now. Let's get down to the part that is even more disturbing. Women who undergo this procedure risk losing sexual sensitivity. No. Thank You. I mean you are cutting away nerves and tissues down there! Advice for the day: Find someone who loves you and your imperfect vagina.

Body Language Part I

I find myself being intrigued on the topic of body language (particularly women's) and seriously let's be honest: the body language of men and women, generally, is very different. If you google women body language, you will find some of the following topics (and, because we live in a hetero-normative/hetero-sexist culture, these sites are for men) From askmen.com, one will find "Women who are trying to get a man's attention are easy to point out, even from across the room; virtually every aspect of their body language changes drastically. For starters, they lean toward the man they are trying to attract and they frequently make eye contact. They laugh more often than usual and smile constantly, regardless of whether or not the guy is funny. They chew on their lips and their faces are more animated." Oh, really? This is news to me. I laugh for the following reasons: When things are funny, or when I am nervous. Maybe it's just me, but if I don't find the person that I am interested in (not to mention want to partner with) funny, all bets are off. Also the following, from other various sites will lead a man to know whether or not a woman is into him. Take note of afore mentioned biting of the lips and heavy breathing. Hmmmm. I don't know. Again, I bite my lips when I'm nervous and heavy breathing can be a variety of things, like, well, not being able to breathe. So, basically, me being nervous and afraid is attracting men. Just what I wanted. On a final note, and one of my personal favorites, from learnbodylanguage.org : "When sitting with legs crossed, bouncing her foot back and forth rhythmically while dangling one shoe off her toe signals much more than, "My foot is tired and I want to go to bed!" Note to self: next time your foot is tired and you bounce it, it really means you are looking for a new man.

My People, My People

I'm participating in an Intergroup Dialogue program for staff at my institution (small liberal arts college). We've been meeting for four weeks and we are beginning to enter what I believe will be a deeper, more substantive level of discourse. And I find myself reflecting on how I'm managing and contributing to the discussions.

Our current focus on whiteness and privilege is, to me, incredibly critical to the conversation. I’ve been revisiting Francie Kendall's 'Understanding White Privilege' (2006). I recommend it (along with so many other texts) to those of you who are interested in further 'unpacking' whiteness and privilege.

I looked to Kendall not only because her work, along with Tim Wise, Peggy McIntosh, Paula Rothenberg…(the list goes on), was transformative in my understanding of this at first unpalatable reality (white skin color privilege), but also because in this new context of exploration (the staff dialogue) I suddenly (and somewhat surprisingly) feel myself struggling with my fear, pain, anger, frustration, etc. I am conflicted about this moment of (publicly) ‘turning myself inside out’ to work through this with and among other colleagues – until now this has been a relatively solitary journey for me and the opportunity to move beyond that is invaluable (and challenging to be sure).

I firmly believe that all of this ‘work’ must start there – with the self-exploration and self-reflection. Kendall talks about the importance of beginning with ourselves: “…if we do not work to change ourselves and our systems, we continue to be complicit in the oppression of others whether we mean to or not. We do this exploration because our lives depend on it – our physical, psychological, spiritual, and economic lives.” But I also can’t escape how difficult this is. It’s difficult because we’ve all anesthetized and dissociated ourselves in order to survive.

The point is I keep coming back to that quote – I need to do this, no matter how challenging and uncomfortable, because my life depends on it.

I am reminded of some reflection activities I’ve worked through in workshops with Francie. I’d like to suggest one in particular. This sort of ‘excavation’ of self.

Looking at Yourself

Part I

How do you perceive of yourself? As a group of identities or as NOT something/somethings?

Part II

How do you create daily mind-games to reassure yourself that your picture of yourself is accurate?

At Work

With whom do you interact? With whom do you NOT interact? [Consciously or unconsciously]

Socially

What activities and what people do you surround yourself with to affirm the stories you have told yourself about who you are and to keep yourself from having to be “uncomfortable”?

How do you confirm the rightness of your choices regarding activities you involve yourself in and the people with whom you surround yourself?

What do you gain from these choices?

Who do you/might you exclude because of the choices you make? By doing so, what experiences and possibly learnings do you miss?

trick or treat?: belated edition

Ah, the joys of Halloween. Free candy, an excuse to escape yourself for a day, and jack-o-lanterns. What can be bad about that?

Highlighting the phenomenon of revealing and inappropriate Halloween costume options for women is a bit hackneyed, yet I am shocked by how these costumes have almost completely saturated the market and have begun targeting young girls. If you haven't taken a stroll through the kids section of the costume aisle recently, I encourage you to do so. The costumes aren't shocking (women are, after all, objectified and sexualized starting at birth) so much as disturbing. Does this trend show any sign of fading?